Perhaps the mission of an artist is to interpret beauty to people - the beauty within themselves. (Langston Hughes)
Two things that are hard for me to hear: compliments and criticism. Compliments are hard because I don't believe they are true. Criticism is hard because I don't want to believe it's true. I'm my own biggest critic and am really hard on myself: I don't give myself enough "credit" for my talents, skills, or good qualities and I focus too heavily on my flaws and failures. I churn and ruminate over every word I think I've misspoken and I fret over every little mistake I think I've made.
I am also overly sensitive to how I think other people see me. When I pick up on other people's facial expressions or a certain tone in their comments - especially when I don't understand the meaning behind them, I assume that they are directed toward me. If I feel a sudden distance from someone I was once close to, or sense someone's bad mood, the story I tell myself is that I must have done something wrong and I start replaying and over-analyzing my most recent exchanges with the person, trying to figure out what I may have done. When I don't know the answer to something, I make it up. And these stories, which may not actually be true, become my truth anyway and change how I interact with the other.
This is part of my daily struggle with being a sensitive introvert. I am in my head a lot, I overthink and over-analyze everything, and I take pretty much everything too personally. Even though I enjoy my time alone, I still have a deep need to feel connected to others. I want to be appreciated and liked, and any criticism or judgment - perceived or real - is a huge blow.
Part of my journey has been to change my relationship to criticism, and there are two major lessons I've learned so far. One is that a lot of the feedback we receive from others isn't really about us at all. It's about the other person and their needs, preferences or expectations. They want us to behave a certain way and when we don't, they give us feedback about how we need to change and conform to their wishes. When we receive this kind of feedback, we need to decide if there is any truth to what they are saying, and if it aligns to something that *we* want to change - not to appease the other person, but to evolve into our best self. If there's no truth to the feedback then we need to be comfortable with letting it go.
The second thing I've learned about feedback is: that which hurts the most *always* has some truth to it, even if I can't see it yet. This kind of feedback supports something I already believe to be true about myself, even if I'm unaware of it. Someone once told me that everything had to be my way all the time, that I left no room for people to do things their own way. This feedback hurt. A lot. I emphatically denied it and tried to prove how wrong the individual was. Only to realize later how true the feedback had been.
In addition to changing my relationship to feedback, the other part of my journey has been learning to see not just my flaws, but the beauty and the good within myself too. I am learning to acknowledge and appreciate my own good qualities, and to reframe my unique nuances as gifts. There are a lot of challenges that come with being a sensitive introvert, but there are a lot of benefits to it as well, many of which I'm really just starting to understand and appreciate. Instead of always striving for acceptance from others, I am learning to accept myself - flaws and all. I'm not perfect and I never will be because perfection isn't real. I'm learning to be more compassionate with myself when I say the wrong thing or make a mistake. If I feel like I need to apologize to someone for something I said or did, I apologize to the other and then I forgive myself.
These new ways of thinking and behaving don't happen overnight and require regular, ongoing practice. But one thing that has really helped me with all of this unlearning and relearning has been a consistent use of healthy reflective practices such as journalling. In my journal, I explore the feedback I receive, my reaction to it, and whether or not there is any truth to it. I get curious about other times I may have received the feedback, or look for other examples of situations where I exhibited the behavior in question. Through this examination of my behavior, I can make a decision whether or not it's anything I want or need to change, and why.
I've also been using my journal to explore my good qualities, to make note of when I observe them in action or when someone offered a compliment that was true. I also use my journal to support my self-appreciation, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness practices and inquiries. I once asked myself in my journal: "What do I still need to forgive myself for?" I filled pages and pages with examples of grudges I was still holding against myself, and I made the decision to let them go.
My journal has been a wonderful tool for increasing my self-understanding and self-awareness and has been instrumental to my personal growth. My journal is a safe space. It's the one place I know I can consistently show up and be myself. I don't have to worry about what others think and I don't have to be careful about what I say. I can just let my thoughts, feelings, and emotions spill all over the page without feeling like I need to censor anything. And often through this raw, unfiltered writing, a new truth starts to emerge. A truth that acknowledges that I have flaws and I make mistakes, sometimes serious ones, but these flaws and mistakes alone do not define who I am. The truth of who I am goes so much deeper and I'm eager to see what I have yet to discover.
The universe is always sending us signs about our callings and our path. We are being invited to grow beyond our limits and evolve into our highest potential. The messages and clues can show up anywhere. But do we notice them?
I love being surprised by the discovery of hearts where I least expect them. Whenever I find one, such as on this painted rock lying along the sidewalk, it reminds me that my purpose in this life involves learning to truly love. My journey has taken me through some challenging experiences to show me all the ways I have been blocking love from flowing into and through my life.
I'm a sensitive introvert, so I spend a lot of time in my head, telling myself stories about how unlovable I am. I'm also a recovering over-achiever and people pleaser because I believed the only way to receive love was to prove how good I was, and that I deserved it.
Through my life experiences, it's been made very clear to me that I've not been good about loving myself. And because I'm not good about loving myself, I'm also not good at loving others, or accepting love from others. The past few years, I've been learning and practicing the art of self-love.
It's not been easy practice for me. There are a lot of old wounds that have needed to be healed. I have been learning how to forgive myself for all the wrongs I have done. I have been learning self-compassion and how to stop beating myself up for every mistake. I have been learning to make self-care a priority and caring for all aspects of my wellbeing. I have been exploring the old beliefs and stories about my lovability, and I'm still working to rewrite them. None of these lessons have been easy.
But as difficult as it's been, it's been equally rewarding. Because breaking my heart open to expose all the hurt and wounds and brokenness inside has allowed my heart to finally begin the healing process, which is creating space for love to flow in. 💜
**Courage** For this sensitive introvert, it's hard to heed the truth in my heart, to even acknowledge that there's a deeper truth in there. I don't want to hear it because then I know I'll have to do something about it.
I'd much rather ignore it awhile longer, hide out, and stay in the safety of my too-small my comfort zone. I procrastinate and let myself get distracted doing other things, often meaningless things that don't really matter in the long run.
I do all this avoiding not because I dislike change. No. I actually really do believe change is a necessity in life. Without change, it's difficult to fully experience all that our life is waiting to offer. Without changing and evolving, it's impossible to grow into our full potential.
I avoid my heart's truths not because I fear change, but because I'm terrified by the unknown. I prefer to avoid the chaos and overwhelm that come when I set foot into unknown waters. Yes, I am pro change. But this sensitive introvert wants it to be on *her* terms. I seek to control the experience so *I* can feel in control.
The thing is, the more I try to push and pull and force and control, the more overwhelmed and stressed I feel. I've learned that when I allow myself to ease up, to stop grasping for control, to start going with the flow of the experience, it becomes much less chaotic and I end up feeling less overwhelmed and more at ease. I usually even come to enjoy the experience itself. Letting go isn't easy to do, it takes continual practice.
I'm learning to trust that if my actions are truly coming from the heart, then no matter what happens, even if it's unexpected or difficult, it's meant to happen. There's a reason I'm going through this particular experience at this particular time. There's a better outcome that I can't see yet, or there's something I need to learn. So I'm listening, heart. I'm learning to trust and find the courage to act.
I took some time in January to revisit my priorities and to create intentions for the year. I don't do New Year Resolutions anymore, but when I did, some of the most common resolutions I used to set were things like: lose weight, eat better, exercise more. But by whose standards? And for what purpose? After setting such surface-level resolutions, I'd be excited to work on them - for the first week or two. Then, the excitement wore off as I started to feel deprived, resentful, or otherwise resistant to the goal. I'd get frustrated with myself for not sticking to it and soon, the resolution was forgotten altogether and I was just left with a bad feeling about the experience.
For the most part, I think I've approached my past resolutions from the perspective of trying to appease others in some way, trying to earn approval or acceptance. I was focused on what I "should be" doing to become some idealized version of myself based on what others expected me to do, or who they expected me to be. Resolutions seemed to be something I either achieved or didn't achieve. I passed or I failed. I felt good about myself when I accomplished it or bad about myself when I didn't. So, no. I don't do resolutions anymore.
One year, I decided to get out of the resolution game, for good. That year, I set intentions instead and I've done that every year since. My intentions are broader, heart-centered concepts that support my continual learning and personal growth. They pull me forward, toward a better version of myself. They set my course, direct my path, and motivate me to keep practicing even when it gets hard. The intentions that I set for myself address deeper beliefs, choices, and behaviors that are attached to old stories I carry about who I am (or who I am not). My intentions are not based on what *others* say I should do or how I should be.
Instead, the intentions I create each year are chosen from my heart. They are the result of self-observation, self-reflection, and self-inquiry, through which I've come to see what's not working in my life and how I am holding myself back. I make a conscious choice about something that I want to be different and I make a commitment to invest in my own personal growth. For example, the intentions I created for this year are:
These intentions are applicable to all areas of my life - personal, relational, spiritual, and professional. Over the course of this year, they will help me continue to detach from old stories I've believed about myself for too long, and from old fears that are still hanging on. They will support me in continuing to grow my self-esteem, self-confidence, self-trust, and self-love. They will support me in continuing to follow my heart, even when it's scary to do so. They will help me stay focused on my own wellbeing and self-care as I take big leaps toward my life purpose and the mission of my business.
Now that my intentions have been set, I begin practicing. My practice involves reviewing them, along with my priorities, every morning. Together these serve as a compass for my choices and actions each day. My practice also involves self-observation and paying really close attention to how well I'm living in accordance with these intentions . By noticing what I'm doing and what I'm thinking throughout the day, I catch myself in the act when my behavior is not aligned with my intentions. When this happens, I move into some self-inquiry and self-reflection, seeking to understand what is going on and why I'm reacting the way I am. I'll explore what lesson I need to learn from the situation, and then I'll try again.
These kinds of intentions are challenging. Anytime we are seeking to transform a core belief about our self, or even make a significant change to our patterns of thinking or behavior, it takes time and commitment. There is no instantaneous change, there are no quick fixes. What's required is a willingness to experiment, a desire to learn and grow, and a commitment to ongoing practice.
Putting It Into Practice
It's not too late to set your own intentions for this year. Generally, I don't recommend setting as many as I have when you are just getting started. The last thing we want to do it to take on too many priorities for our personal growth at once; that could just lead to chaos, overwhelm, or frustration. So choose the most important ones to start with and you may make some adjustments as you continue working with them. I generally recommend choosing somewhere between 1 and 3 intentions to start with - this helps you hone in on what's most important and helps you stay focused throughout the year.
You might start by spending some time reflecting on what your biggest challenges have been over the past year. In what ways have you felt most "stuck" in your life? What issues keep showing up time and again? What fears are getting in your way? How have you been holding yourself back from your dreams or from living the way you want to live? What do you want your life to look life? How do you want to be, or "show up" in your life (for example, do you want to be more courageous, trusting, open, loving, generous, or grateful?)? If you are unsure where to start, download this FREE tool, the PSR Wellbeing Assessment for some ideas. Reflect on which factors you are the least satisfied with, and you may find some inspiration for which ones you'd like to bring more attention to.
As you start to hone in on what's most important to you, start drafting your intentions, writing them in present-tense fashion, as if you are already practicing it regularly. Notice how I wrote mine: Not "I will trust," but, "I trust." Not "I will embrace," but, "I embrace." This approach brings these intentions into the now rather than something you will get around to "someday."
Continue working with your intentions until they feel right. Allow yourself some time, don't feel like you have to rush the process. Once you have narrowed it down to your top 1-3 intentions, put them where you can easily read them every day. Make this a part of your morning ritual to help you set the tone and your focus for the day.
I have done a lot of personal work on forgiveness over the years and thought I had forgiven everyone I needed to forgive. But I recently realized I was still holding on to some old hurts and resentments and carrying a lot of old emotional baggage. Clinging to these had created a lot of internal stress, agitation and even anger.
One evening I was doing some self-examination work in my journal. I had been doing a lot of reading on forgiveness and wanted to connect what I had been reading with work I had been doing with my wounded child and victim archetypes. I centered myself and wrote at the top of a page "Whom do I still need to forgive?" I closed my eyes and waited. It wasn't long before I filled up 3/4 of the page with people who had in some way violated my boundaries and/or impacted my self-esteem, self-worth, or self-image. As a result of my encounters with these individuals, I felt unsafe, rejected, and unloved.
For a long time I believed that holding on to my grudges was a way to get back at the people who hurt me. There was no valid excuse or reason for their behavior - they did me wrong, so why should I forgive them? What I couldn't see was that by choosing not to forgive the people who hurt me, it was not them I was hurting. It was me. I was the one who was carrying around the weight of my anger and resentment; I was the one who was suffering.
It has taken me years to understand that I couldn't move beyond my painful past until I freely chose forgiveness. Carrying these old wounds around for so long constricted and hardened my heart, which also blocked the flow of unconditional love. Finally choosing to do the necessary work of releasing my old resentments, grievances, and anger, I've started the process of healing my heart.
We may feel resistant to the idea of forgiveness, or feel like it would be impossible to forgive someone who has hurt us. But we are all human. We have all made mistakes. We have all been hurt just as we have hurt others. We have all been in situations where we need do the forgiving, just as we've all been the one who needs to be forgiven. As much as I needed to forgive others for what they had done to me, I suspected that I was also being weighed down by what I had done to other people. I explored this idea in my journal too, asking "Who have I harmed?"
True forgiveness is not easy, quick, or surface-level; it's not as simple as saying that we forgive someone. In The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness and Peace, Jack Kornfield wrote that forgiveness is a process which may include grief, outrage, sadness, loss and pain. For some of us, the process of forgiveness is slow, deep work because we are peeling back layers of hurt that have been accumulating for years. Through the process, we need to acknowledge what happened, how we felt about what happened, and the hurt and suffering that resulted. We may find that we need to go through the process multiple times to move from anger to heart-based forgiveness. It may be helpful to use a ritual or other exercise to help us forgive and let go of the past.
We can use any number of writing exercises. No matter which we choose, we should write about what happened, how we felt about what happened, how it affected us and how we suffered. In The Book of Forgiving, Desmund Tutu and Mpho Tutu suggest that we write about what we lost through the experience, such as trust, safety, dignity, innocence, a friend, or something else we cherished. We can write what we wish we could say to the person who harmed us. We might write from their perspective too, to understand what may have led to their actions or what they might say back to us. To help us release the pain of the past, we could also explore how the situation has made us stronger or otherwise helped us.
We can explore these ideas in our journal, or we can write our experience as a story or in a letter to the person who harmed us. If we think we want to send the letter, we may need to write several versions of it first so that when we send it, it's coming from a place of true forgiveness, not anger or blame.
Regardless of how we decide to write about our experience, Tutu and Tutu wrote that at some point, we need to actually move into the step of granting forgiveness. This may include praying for or sending blessings to the people who have hurt us.
Once we have fully processed the event and our feelings about it, we might choose to speak it out loud. We could share our experience and insights with someone we trust, who will be supportive and listen such as a confidant, a close friend, a therapist or a spiritual guide.
In our forgiveness journey, we also need to forgive our self for things we did or didn't do, things we said or didn't say, how we harmed others, and our role in the situations with those who harmed us. We need to review, acknowledge, and take responsibility for our wrongdoings and mistakes. The final question I explored that night in my journal was "What do I still need to forgive myself for?" I filled pages with examples from both the recent and distant past.
It can be incredibly difficult to forgive and doing so does not change our past; we can't undo what's been done. But we can choose to forgive anyway. We can choose a new future. When we choose to forgive, we don't do it for the benefit of the other; we do it for our own wellbeing; we do it to heal and open our heart.
Whom do you still need to forgive?
Who have you harmed?
For what do you need to forgive yourself?
Our flaws do not define who we are
Periodically, I revisit my old journals to see where I’ve been, what I’ve learned, and to discover patterns related to my personal and spiritual growth (or lack thereof). In a recent review, I noticed an alarming trend: how many times I wrote about the ways I failed at something. Pages were filled with what I did wrong, what I didn’t do but should have, how I should have behaved differently, and countless other ways I let myself down. Too many sentences began with “Why can’t I just…” or “Why do I always…”
And these are just the thoughts that made it onto paper. Countless other self-defeating thoughts have swirled beyond my conscious awareness. As a sensitive introvert, I am indeed in my head a lot. I process everything that happens very deeply. A stressful morning can send me deep into retreat mode - I just want to hide out and avoid all interaction with the world. I find it hard to function when I am overwhelmed, and it can take hours or sometimes days to recover from these overwhelming events or situations. I take things too personally, over-think, over-plan, ruminate, and worry. And when my behavior and choices don’t align to my own impossibly high standards for myself, I beat myself up. A lot.
When our thoughts fill up mostly or even entirely with self-judgment, self-criticism, and self-condemnation, we don’t learn. We don’t change. And we don’t grow. The more we bully ourselves for our behavior and our choices, the more we solidify unhealthy patterns that occur out of habit and become our default and stall our personal and spiritual growth.
So, what do we do? The first thing we need to do is to notice when we are swirling in self-judgment or self-criticism. We can’t change what we aren’t aware of. I do find journaling incredibly helpful for this. When I put my thoughts down on paper, it becomes so much easier to see the patterns in my behavior. (If journaling is not your thing, I recommend you find another tool to support your self-observation and self-reflection practices.)
Throughout the day, as soon as I notice myself feeling overwhelmed or stuck or stressed, or if I notice that I feel like hiding out or escaping from something (or someone), I stop and reflect on what’s happening. I try to “catch myself in the act,” so I can pay attention to the voices running wild inside my head. Sometimes it’s easier to reflect on these situations the next morning.
But whenever you choose to do it, to move through and out of self-criticism, I have found it helpful to examine my self-defeating comments and explore self-reflective questions, such as:
These types of questions shift us out of self-judgment, self-criticism, and self-condemnation into self-compassion, self-kindness, self-forgiveness, self-care, and self-love. Ultimately, they increase our self-awareness and contribute to our personal and spiritual growth.
Our journal is indeed a safe place to let it all out. I can write anything I want in my journal - what I did, how I’m feeling about something, and what I don’t want to repeat in the future. So yes, let it all hang out. Explore it, examine it, learn from it. And then release it. Let it all go. Don’t get stuck in the negative stories about yourself.
We are all human. We all mess up. It’s a normal part of life. But our flaws do not define who we are. Every choice we have made - even the “negative” ones, have gotten us to this exact moment in our life. We move through life one choice at a time and along the way we are learning valuable lessons about ourselves. Every situation presents us a choice about how to respond and how to move forward. We may not always choose well, but we can always choose again.
I’ve been questioning and exploring my life purpose for years: why am I really here? Who and how am I being called to be? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? In what ways am I supposed to be serving others? These are big, important questions so I often find myself grasping for or demanding quick answers so I can get on with it. But our deepest callings and our true life purpose may take years to emerge. Each little calling we hear along the way is pulling us forward, preparing us for the next calling and then the next. I have found that understanding the topic of callings has presented a challenge for myself and some of my clients. What is a calling? How do we know when we are being called? How do we know if something is a true calling or just a whim? What if we don’t want to pursue a calling? The whole idea of finding your calling, let alone pursuing it, can feel overwhelming. In this post, I attempt to simplify it enough to get you started and share five things you need to know right now.
We will be invited to participate in a variety of calls over the course of our lives. Some will feel easier than others. Some will be downright terrifying. Sometimes we’ll say ‘yes,’ sometimes we’ll say ‘no,’ and sometimes we’ll say, ‘not yet.’ Each time we say yes, we’ll stretch more, grow more, and move that much closer to evolving to our highest potential. My hope for you is that you be open, be curious, and be willing to explore the possibilities of your calls.
In the photo above, which I took for a daily photo challenge on Instagram, there's the face on the far right, looking up. The one I placed there intentionally when I made this collage a few years ago. Then there's the face in the center, that I didn't see until the shadow highlighted it and I looked at the picture on my phone much later.
The first time I became aware that we all had an interior “shadow” was a few years ago when I read Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr. I remember being curious about this concept and although I spent some time reflecting on what my own shadows might be, the significance of this concept eluded me. I’ve since read more about shadow work in various other books and each time, I’d still leave the topic feeling a bit puzzled. Reading about shadows and experiencing them firsthand are two very different things.
Our shadow is made up of parts of our personality that we’ve denied, buried, or repressed. Rohr defined it as “what you refuse to see about yourself, and what you do not want others to see.” This past year I’ve had many, many, (many!) opportunities to become intimate with what was lurking just beyond the light. The clues are in our behavior, such as:
No one really *wants* to know the ugly truth about herself. As unpleasant as it is, in order for us to grow spiritually, it is absolutely critical for us to contend with our shadows. Otherwise, as I discovered, these denied or hidden parts of ourselves will keep tapping us on the shoulder, begging for attention. And sometimes, what we’ve repressed will burst forth at unexpected and undesirable times.
Shadow work is not about fixing your weaknesses or abolishing what you don’t like about yourself. It’s coming into relationship with these repressed parts of yourself and transforming them into something positive. Rather than judging people, perhaps you learn to be forgiving. Instead of gripping tightly to control, perhaps you learn to relax your grip and go with the flow more. According to Rohr, “once you have faced your own hidden or denied self, there is not much to be anxious about anymore.” You’ve seen the truth. And you can get on with evolving into your True Self, your highest potential.
#presence #spirituality #lifepurpose #lifelessons #personalgrowth #spiritualgrowth #spiritualbooks #innerwork #reflection #shadow
"Creativity" is something I've struggled with for most of my adult life. My focus has been on achieving my goals, striving to maintain total control of my environment, and doing it all to some impossibly high (and incredibly unrealistic) expectation of perfection...only as a superwoman could. I was too hard on myself to endeavor into creative expression. I "didn't have time" to be creative, I told myself. In reality, I was too scared to let myself open up to the vulnerability that creativity requests; too afraid to come out from behind the veil of perfection and control.
Yesterday I attended a creative yoga class. Our intention was to keep the channel open and find joy in creative expression.... through the act itself, not by producing any particular or perfect end result. I cast aside all wishes of creating a perfect masterpiece and instead set a personal intention for openness and curiosity. I gave my Self permission and freedom to play. I had no ideal in mind, other than to enjoy the process and see what emerged. I chose to stand rather than sit so I could get my whole body involved and so I had the mobility to see what I was creating from multiple perspectives. I had to trust my inner guidance to know when I was done (a struggle for this recovering perfectionist...to know when something is done rather than ceaselessly striving and then over-doing!).
I wasn't worried about what wasn't getting done while I was creating. I wasn't afraid of what others would think of what I created. I wasn't looking around, comparing what I was creating to what was being created by others in the class. I was fully present with my Self and my art. When I was done, I turned around and said to no one in particular, "That was fun!" Something was ignited in me and the joy flowed freely.
And as if the Universe was making sure I had learned something deeper from this experience....as I was trying to get all of my still wet paintings loaded into my car at the end of the class, I dropped two on the floor. They folded up onto each other and onto themselves, altering what I had created. A year ago, the perfectionist in me would have been really upset that my creations were "ruined." The emerging artist in me today sees beauty in the flaws, like they were meant to be. There is no perfection in creativity. As there is no perfection in life.
There are many ways to be creative, and art is only one. We can bring creativity into anything we do. Creativity, and life, asks that we be open, be curious, and be fully present. It helps if we give ourselves permission to bring a sense of playfulness into all that we do. These actions may require us to lean into our vulnerabilities and fears. But presence helps us with this. The more present we become, the easier it is to let go of the fears that masquerade as control and perfection and that hold us back from reaching our full potential in life.
"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once (she) grows up." Pablo Picasso
I’m a lifelong learner; my need to grow and evolve is an important part of my being. I’m always striving to become the best version of me that I can be. Sometimes I fail miserably and other times, I make great leaps of transformation.
In the past, my efforts have consistently been self-improvement projects – during which I tried with all my might to change myself to meet others’ needs or expectations. My focus was on fixing my inadequacies. I thought I had to change who I was or how I behaved to please other people (so that I’d be accepted and liked). I would always fail miserably at these efforts because I would set a goal for the change without being clear on why I was making the change. I would create a self-development checklist of all the “actions” I needed to take and I’d attack the project with great vigor - at first. When I acted in a way that was opposite of the change I was trying to make, I’d beat myself up. I’d expect quick results; so when the quick fixes didn’t work, I’d scrap the whole project.
No matter how much we want to make a change in our attitude, our behavior, or our ways of thinking, the process is still difficult. We easily get stuck in our old habits, swirl in our fear-based beliefs, and get trapped in our outdated (and often inaccurate) patterns of thinking. When we’re stuck here, we can’t see or understand why the change isn’t happening. We want the change, we want to become a better person, but we critically judge and berate ourselves for not being able to make the shift. Or we excuse or rationalize it away – telling ourselves we’re just wired this way so why bother trying to change?
I’ve come to see that personal growth, at its core, is not about fixing our inadequacies. True personal growth, real transformation, is about slowly uncovering and evolving into the person that we already are – at the deepest level of our soul. Personal transformation is about letting go of the false parts of ourselves that no longer fit: the masks we wear to try to please or fit in with others, the self-protective behaviors we’ve been learning our whole life, and the traits we lean on when we feel like it’s not enough to just be who we are.
Real transformation is less about striving to become someone we think we’re supposed to be and more about relaxing away and releasing the parts of us that no longer fit so that our true selves can emerge. This process takes time; we’ve been building our personas for our whole lives so expecting them to change overnight is not realistic.
There are three things I’ve learned to be true about personal growth:
When we keep these three truths in mind, it creates an environment that supports transformation. We view the whole process more realistically and we find comfort in knowing that we get more than one shot at it. Personal transformation is not often something than happens in a few months; it can take a lifetime to evolve into the person we were created to be. Personal transformation is rarely about learning new behaviors. It involves unlearning our old ways of being, letting go of our fear-based beliefs, and relaxing old habits and patterns.
Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are ups and downs. It’s a journey of discovery – there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair. (Rick Warren)
When you find yourself in the valleys of despair, remember to give yourself grace and forgiveness. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to make an immediate change. And when you find yourself on a mountaintop, remember to acknowledge your effort, and to celebrate!